When I think back to when I started this online dating and blog, it is almost like thinking about a different person.
So much of my mindset has changed.
The mid 40's woman who thought she was past it, had no idea how to flirt anymore and didn't think she would ever find anyone attractive ever again? She's long gone.
This doesn't mean I don't still have insecurities, because I do, I am a woman and sometimes when I look in the mirror I am just reminded about how much time flies. However those times are less and less and most of the time the happiness that glows deep inside is shining out of every pore in my body.
Now I am the first person to say that nobody should allow another human being to be responsible for their happiness, that has not changed.
No one person is responsible for mine apart from me. There is no special guy in my life, other than my adorable son.
The difference is, my life is no longer just filled with the mundane, struggles and stress. I now have an alternate universe I pop into every now and again. Filled with random guys to flirt with, who are very much attracted to me for real and who just for a few moments, remind me that there is a little more to life and myself than being responsible and putting everyone else first.
I had quite a reserved dating experience when I was in my teens and twenties. I could always spot the losers, players, man-child and vain ones a mile away and gave them a wide berth. However, I also tended to go for the safe guys, the ones who weren't going to break my heart. I had short periods of being single but mainly went from one longish relationship to another.
Now more than 20 years later I am learning how to play the game, how to date just for the fun of it, trying to learn not to look to the future but stay in the now (this is a work in progress, and one I may never master)
For years I thought it was complicated, society puts so much pressure on women to hold themselves apart, to keep themselves 'pure' or at least selective whilst the men get to do whatever they like with whoever they like.
How is this equality?
Who taught this lesson to us as young girls?
Why are we not allowed the freedom to pick and choose as we wish?
Why does that make us dirty or wrong when it is just 'men being men' or 'natures way' for guys?
I call bullshit to the lot of it.
I think if you are being safe and true to yourself and not actively trying to hurt other people then who gets to write the rules for you?
The only time you need to stop and take stock of the situation and rethink your life choices is when it is hurting someone and the most important person to consider is yourself. Are your actions hurting you in someway? Even unintentionally?
Otherwise lets just enjoy it.