The highs and lows of starting over in your 40’s

 

I feel like it would be best to start from the beginning.

Here I am in my mid forties, starting a new life as a single mum.

It wasn’t the plan but I’m enjoying finding myself again. 

In the last 20 years I had slowly disappeared into titles. 

Mum, wife, daughter, sister, boss. It was now time to find a little bit of me again or more accurately the me I am now. 

A lot of things change in that time, marriage, children, illnesses, work and life in general, every experience we have molds who we become and that doesn’t stop until the day we die.

To be clear my children have always been and will always be my top priority and my 2 amazing children came with a level of complexity that I could never have foreseen. They require an exceptional amount of my time and as such I fell into the trap of not doing anything else but work and being with my family. 

Lockdown came along and rocked the boat, I had zero time to myself and the claustrophobia almost killed me.

A lot of soul searching followed and now 5 years on, I have been separated for just over a year.

I have also found new friends to enjoy experiences and life with when on the rare occasion I get a sacred day or night to myself. 

Surprisingly I also discover joy in being alone.

The loneliness I expected to feel after the separation never came, instead this undeniable sense of freedom lifted me up and made me feel hopeful again. 

Yes I was petrified because I had no idea what the future would hold but I also felt exhilarated because 

I HAD NO IDEA WHAT THE FUTURE MIGHT HOLD!

Despite not being lonely and not wanting a man to come back into my house and our little home to invade it with his presence and his opinions it does not mean I don’t miss some things about being with a man I find attractive. 

The feeling you get when you know someone finds you attractive.

 The simple joy in a flirtation. 

The excitement when you are looking forward to seeing someone. 

I didn’t have time for all of that, did I?

When was I going to fit dating into my ridiculously hectic life?

That was until the day my friend quizzed me over dinner about my sex life or lack thereof. They didn’t get (mainly because they were male) why I wasn’t out sleeping with whoever was available. Perhaps you might not get it either, but it had been 20 years since I had even been on a first date and I'd never had a one night stand. I had no idea how to do a hook up, or date, no idea how to even flirt anymore. 

I used to flirt like a champ when I was young and even harmlessly when married when I knew it didn’t mean anything, but now.  

Well now, I was available and it could mean something, they might assume it means something I don’t. Or worse still, they may take one look at me and think she isn’t serious is she? She’s old!!

My friend told me to get back out there, if for nothing else than to find my confidence again. 

Of course I knew he was right. I had seen men I was attracted to but I was too scared or shy to say or do anything about it, other than day dream.

The last time I attempted dating it was easier, we went out, we met people and their friends and before you knew it you got asked out. 

This world isn't like that anymore. 

Life is now spent online not in reality, a lot of people don’t even leave their house to go to work or the shops, basically you can live your entire life in front of a screen. 

So I was left with no alternative.

 

ONLINE DATING

 

Two words that struck terror into my heart.

 

So here goes nothing. Fancy joining me on this wild ride?